Life / Marriage

My Personal Struggle to Stay At Home.

This past weekend, I read an article about women who’d chosen to leave high-profile positions to become stay-at-home mothers. Ten years later, the publication followed up with these same women only to find them longing to return to the work force. It was a difficult read for me. I kept thinking how selfish the women sounded and how blind they seemed to their own luck.

I am a stay-at-home mom. I love being a mom and a housewife. One of my greatest hopes has been to continue to stay at home full-time even after the kids are grown. Our economic situation of late, combined with some seriously awful luck, is making that dream seem increasingly impossible.

I feel that I must find a way to generate money for our family. We simply are not making it as things are now, and even though that situation is most likely temporary, the stress we are feeling as a couple and as a family doesn’t appear to be.

The truth is I feel tremendous financial pressure. If I worked we could have X,Y and Z. If I worked, we wouldn’t have to ask our parents for help so often. If I worked, my husband and I could eat out once in a while without feeling guilty.

I feel like it’s my fault.

I feel like I am responsible for finding a solution.

I no longer feel like it’s fair to place the burden of providing for us on my husband’s shoulders alone.

Here’s the rub–I can’t even tell what’s guiding my desires these days.

My husband wants me to stay at home. I know I hate working away from the kids…It’s forcing us to be creative.

I realize that, more than anything, I am fighting myself. I am fighting to weigh the guilt I feel for not providing material things against the guilt I feel for not being present with the children. To weigh the responsibility of being a devoted wife against the possibility of being an equal financial partner.

It’s confusing. And heart-wrenching.

I just want a better life for all of us. I’m just honestly not sure how to get it.

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