Life

Outpouring of My Heart

I have to be careful with my words here, and I’ve never been terribly good at being careful. I have to be willing to trust–in God, in people, in my instincts…and I’m terrible at trusting. I have to take one day, sometimes one hour at a time. I have to believe that everything will work out.

Unfortunately, this post has to be frustratingly vague. Those who know what’s going on will know. Those who don’t–I’m sorry. I hope you can find a sympathetic voice for your life, your situation, in the words that follow.

I am overwhelmed.

Today, I had a visit with the baby-doc. I’d been silently worried about my little girl for 2 weeks since my last visit, since she “measured small,” and I had NO IDEA what that meant or could mean. I just wanted her to be okay. Fortunately, she is. All’s well today and we are going to an appointment a week from here on out! Only 38 days to go.

My mother generously offered to help with my boys…but my sister’s water finally broke (YAY!), so they ended up being super busy. Again, we are so blessed because my second nephew got here safely and my sister handled everything like a champ.

Then there’s the stressful stuff.

-We’re having a baby in 4 1/2 weeks tops, and our lives are completely upside down right now.

-We’re helping out family by taking care of two little ones for days or weeks at a time. While I am super grateful to be able to help out, it has definitely shifted our focus, and I find myself being a little jealous. I want my boys to be anxiously awaiting their sister…but I have to shelve my wants in favor of real-life needs.

-Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a dermatologist.
And I’m scared.
In my family, cancer is not a question of “if” but rather, “when.” My dad has skin cancer. My step mom is the one who said I needed to get a mole checked out.
I’m scared.

Then, there are all the million little everyday things that only get harder as I get bigger.

-My joints are sucky, and get worse every day. Today, my hip popped so loudly and painfully that I wasn’t sure I would be able to stand.

-I’m getting less sleep than ever, and I need it more and more.

-I’m trying to figure out how to love on the extra kiddos without making my boys feel like outsiders in their own home, and I know I fail every day.

And even though there are offers of help around every corner, the people who could actually do the most good are legally handcuffed.

I’m just tired, and sad, and scared, and overwhelmed.

And there is no hope of relief any time soon.

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