Some Battles You Just Can’t Win

I can’t stand losing an argument. (Just ask my husband). It’s not just because being wrong sucks and is embarrassing, it’s because I usually don’t stand and fight unless I truly believe I am right. I guess the real problem is that, unlike most people, I don’t mind fighting. I would rather confront a problem or a person and just get through it. Secrets, grudges, and talking behind someone’s back does a heck of a lot more damage than just saying, “Hey, that really pissed me off.” I’d honestly rather just deal with things.

I’m beginning to realize that approaching life in this way makes me seem less ‘honest and open’ and more ‘aggressive and confrontational.’ Which sucks.

Believe it or not, I’ve actually spent years trying to change this one part of my personality. It has cost me a lot-friendships, relationships with loved ones and countless hours of tears…but here’s the thing, I can’t change it. Instead, I have learned to argue better. I’ve learned to give people the benefit of the doubt as well as time to clarify misunderstandings. I have learned that spitting fire only leads to my own house burning down. I wish I could articulate that more clearly to the people I want most in my life. Basically, I grew up and realized that my point-of-view is a narrow perspective on life.

But I fail. Routinely. And it sucks.

I have spent the last two weeks being broken, crying, and feeling lost and confused. That was all cleared up today, but this lingering feeling remains: I could have avoided all of this if I wasn’t so set on confronting issues head-on. I could have saved my reputation. I could have spared everyone the drama. But then I realize that I would still be beholden to the rules that led to the fight in the first place. The truth is that I will never have the place in my family that I long for. I will never be chosen in that way. It hurts and it’s hard, but it is true nonetheless.

Hopefully now I can give up trying. Because the trying is what really hurts so bad. Trying and failing to gain any ground, respect, love, or understanding is what breaks my heart and confuses me. I simply did not understand. But now I do.

Second only to being forced to concede is an overwhelming sadness that I should have done so years ago. I feel more certain every day that everyone’s life would have been much improved had I merely thrown in the towel. As the title says, there are some battles you just can’t win.

6 thoughts on “Some Battles You Just Can’t Win

  1. I wouldn’t call myself confrontational but I won’t shy away from the truth of situations either, wheras all my family does (all the time!) so I end up being the only trouble maker, even though most everyone is feeling/thinking what I am. I don’t go searching for issues, kwim? I am going through a similar situation currently, so I know the feeling of trying and failing to gain ground with family. It may not be the same family, but I know…and I am feeling down about it too.

      • I have tried to figure out why my mom is the way she is (she won’t be the one to contact me, but likes to be contacted), and her own mother is way worse (she actually complains that she hasn’t seen or heard from us, but doesn’t make ANY effort to contact me). Her mother was NOT this way at all, so where did it originate?! Point is, if you want relationships with people you have to make some of the effort, right?! My feelings are hurt, that’s what drives this comment…*sigh*

      • 😦 As i recently tried to explain too-there has to be a meeting in the middle. I understand that we all have our particular idiosyncracies that can make us hard to live with or get along with. But, I agree, if the relationship is important, then some effort has to be made to find a middle ground. More than anything is the difficult realization that sometimes it is more comfortable for people to sacrifice relationships so they don’t have to change. Then they’re allowed to think of themselves as an innocent bystander. That being said, I also have to take responsibility for my reactions. I get so hurt by these actions, because I take them as proof that they don’t care, that I stop trying. I stop communicating. It only fuels the downward spiral.

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