I can’t stand losing an argument. (Just ask my husband). It’s not just because being wrong sucks and is embarrassing, it’s because I usually don’t stand and fight unless I truly believe I am right. I guess the real problem is that, unlike most people, I don’t mind fighting. I would rather confront a problem or a person and just get through it. Secrets, grudges, and talking behind someone’s back does a heck of a lot more damage than just saying, “Hey, that really pissed me off.” I’d honestly rather just deal with things.
I’m beginning to realize that approaching life in this way makes me seem less ‘honest and open’ and more ‘aggressive and confrontational.’ Which sucks.
Believe it or not, I’ve actually spent years trying to change this one part of my personality. It has cost me a lot-friendships, relationships with loved ones and countless hours of tears…but here’s the thing, I can’t change it. Instead, I have learned to argue better. I’ve learned to give people the benefit of the doubt as well as time to clarify misunderstandings. I have learned that spitting fire only leads to my own house burning down. I wish I could articulate that more clearly to the people I want most in my life. Basically, I grew up and realized that my point-of-view is a narrow perspective on life.
But I fail. Routinely. And it sucks.
I have spent the last two weeks being broken, crying, and feeling lost and confused. That was all cleared up today, but this lingering feeling remains: I could have avoided all of this if I wasn’t so set on confronting issues head-on. I could have saved my reputation. I could have spared everyone the drama. But then I realize that I would still be beholden to the rules that led to the fight in the first place. The truth is that I will never have the place in my family that I long for. I will never be chosen in that way. It hurts and it’s hard, but it is true nonetheless.
Hopefully now I can give up trying. Because the trying is what really hurts so bad. Trying and failing to gain any ground, respect, love, or understanding is what breaks my heart and confuses me. I simply did not understand. But now I do.
Second only to being forced to concede is an overwhelming sadness that I should have done so years ago. I feel more certain every day that everyone’s life would have been much improved had I merely thrown in the towel. As the title says, there are some battles you just can’t win.